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Read about how therapy can help you get control of your issue, and how others like you have benefited from therapy.
I feel anxious every day.
If we are affected by our past, then what would happen if we could forget? In Consider Amnesia, learn about how anxiety changes from a protective mechanism to a destructive force in our lives, and how recognizing the patterns of this destruction is the first step to correcting the error and moving to a calm and low-stress life.
I feel stuck. Nothing seems to change. What can I do?
Sometimes we feel that we are repeating the same situations and issues again and again. Learn how this repetition serves an important, but toxic function, in The Constant and The Variables and why so many people find themselves in these situations in the post titled Fantasy Lock.
Emotional trauma haunts me every day.
An affecting emotion from twenty years past is as powerful to our psychological state as an emotion felt fifteen minutes prior. Time stops for emotions. In No Know Time, learn how emotional trauma can haunt our daily lives, no matter how long in the past, and hear how therapy can move you past this trauma and into a healthy mental state.
How did I get in this situation?
Many clients wonder how they got themselves into the situation that brought them to therapy. In I Created You discover the fascinating reason that so many clients create these situations by choice, and how an easy solution can change how we view the world and our actions.
What’s so wrong about being by myself?
In The Negative of 1, read about how loneliness and isolation can lead to mental and physical health problems and how therapy can help you resolve this issue and live a happier and healthier life.
What’s so wrong about being by myself?
Some clients speak of being alone as an earned reward. The freedom of being on their own allows them power to direct their time without the encumbrance of compromise. I nod and agree. Being alone brings freedom and self-direction.
I also know that being alone can be a choice that is a not about freedom, but about enclosure and self-destruction. For those who embrace and support the splendor of being alone, but find themselves looking for answers in therapy, the rest of their story is not so nice.
The real part of their story is the reason for our meeting. It is the negative of 1.
There is nothing wrong with being alone. There is a freedom to self-direction without the compromise of others. But if the state of being alone is the majority of someone’s time it can be detriment and destruction, not freedom.
Often in life we point to the negative and try to repaint it in better light, to embrace it, to encourage others to accept our choice as willing and positive. But this is a cover, a form of fantasy lock. We are not designed to thrive as 1, alone. This state of aloneness, when it represents the majority of our time, is psychologically detrimental and physically destructive.
It is not easy to admit the absence of close friends and confidants in our lives. When asked to list best friends, allies trusted with secrets, or people in our lives who would come to aid us in crisis, clients who celebrate the power of alone attest they don’t need these relationships, they are better off alone. This is untrue.
It seems that through some mechanism we do not yet know, our mental and physical health are correlated to the fabric strength of our social interactions. Remove the social interactions and the health of an individual deteriorates in many circumstances.
Long-term studies of populations demonstrate that those with strong interactions and attachments within communities identify themselves as happier and healthier. Further, in a study of persons with cancer, those with strong support from social structures, family members, or communities of like-affliction, lived longer and healthier lives.
For clients in a consistent state of aloneness the corrective action is demonstrating that there are others like them, sharing the same displeasure of being alone, and not knowing what to do. The solution is to find attachment in a community of similar others, whether that be a club, organization, hobby, or activity group. For clients with addictions, this aloneness is correctable with participation in groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, where attachments are formed with others who previously found themselves alone and suffering.
Being alone is a choice, not an inevitable state. There is a community and social structure for every person. Find the one that is right for you. Make a choice not to be alone.
He spoke about an explosion, how it had gone off just a few feet away, forward of his colleague walking in front of him. He told me how his colleague was thrown to the side, how he scrambled to pull him back into the pathway where it was safe. He looked down and described how he could not recognize the face of the man whose head he held in his hands. He looked up and announced he was dead. He spoke with a freshness of detail, a vibrancy of emotional devastation.
He was in a state of post-trauma stress, unable to work, find his way through his house, or sleep without startling awake with vivid dreams. He talked about ending his life, unable to continue. As he talked about witnessing the murder of his colleague I wondered how many weeks, months, had passed since the event. He looked up and said “It happened fifteen years ago. I’ll never forget it.”
Emotions know no time. An affecting emotion from twenty years past is as powerful to our psychological state as an emotion felt fifteen minutes prior. Time stops for emotions. Their power can remain in full strength through an entire lifetime.
Understanding that emotions know no time is a powerful tool for dealing with the fallout from experiences that psychologically alter us. People affected by past emotional trauma often hear from others who tell them to “move on” or “get over it.” Their criticisms and admonishments are often more about their discomfort with someone in this emotion state, and not about helping to solve the issue. People in this state need the relief of talking about their past trauma in the immediate real time of now, no matter how long ago it occurred.
In the safety of a therapeutic session people can recount every detail of the emotional event, as often as necessary, to pull the event apart, break it into pieces, and remove its power over them. Once the power of the event is understood it can be disconnected from the affected emotional states, and the hold over the conscious and unconscious can be dismantled.
With work, patience and the understanding of those closest to them, most manage to find their way back to a life that is not lived in a state of fear, or within an uncontrolled circle of repeating emotional trauma. This work is long and difficult. It involves reliving past trauma in real-time, as often as necessary, in the safety of the therapeutic process. With each retelling and reliving of the event its emotional power is decreased. Over time the trauma becomes manageable, ultimately redefined as a dramatic and moving piece of personal history, not a controlling feature of daily life.
Emotions know no time. Understanding the power they can have over us, years after a traumatic event, can help move us forward and escape the time trap they hold us within.
Sometimes a specific question or issue drives a client to seek help. Other times a client’s reaction to the choices of others bothers them most. Many times these two issues come from the same source of trouble.
Working with these issues is daunting and emotional. The process involves a re-examining of a life lived, and a questioning of who and what defines someone. This is often what frightens people most about therapy, the idea that doubts they hold about themselves will surface and cause a re-examination of their lives. They fear that when the process finishes some of the core beliefs about their lives will be invalid, a fantasy created, too painful to release.
When the cost of reality is too painful, the price of fantasy will always be cheaper. But why?
People who seek therapy are aware, at some level, that detrimental forces bring negative changes to their lives. Yet, with this awareness in hand, they cannot stop or change course. They are locked into their behaviors, forced to explain outcomes in illogical and fantastical means, fighting to keep their methods vital. They lock themselves in a fantasy-based view of who they are, their actions, and their environment. They cannot escape.
A woman told of how her life as a child was a wonderful example of love and support in an imperfect environment. She talked about how her parents had faced adversity, but remained supporting and caring, taking time and energy to raise her and her siblings. Yet, with this history, she seemed locked in depression, unable to function fully as an adult. As we talked over several weeks the story of her family’s life unraveled, leaving a core of dysfunction and abuse. It was only with support and time that she felt comfortable examining the reality of her life, and how her childhood affected her as an adult.
The story she told was not a lie but a fantasy lock. She locked herself into a fantasy of her history, unable to abandon the story she had created and accept her reality. The fantasy lock was emotionally cheaper to create, believe, and support than the abuse and dysfunction she experienced.
Fantasy lock begins when we build rationalizations for our less than optimal choices, disturbing histories, or behaviors that have harmed others. They allow us to suspend our reality, past or current, and live in a world created. The intent of this behavior is to protect us from psychological injury. It builds a protective wall between reality and the fiction created to support our lives. It is a powerful method of emotional survival. Once created it grows more powerful over time, and exponentially more difficult to face as unreal. The outcome is a reality too difficult to define with fact, and covered in fantastical stories easier to accept.
What is your reality?
I carefully listen as a client will tell the same story over and again. The people and locations are variable, but the themes and core of the story are constant. No matter what the variable, the outcome of the stories does not change. Many people cannot hear the similarities in these stories because they are not capable of hearing them. They have programmed themselves to repeat them, to ignore the reality and reason behind their plight. They want to stop the unpleasant outcome, but not the pattern and experience of living their story.
How do you stop a pattern of repeating hurt? The answer starts with statistics.
In statistics there are constants and variables. To understand the effect that one thing has on others, one part of the study must remain the same, the constant. Variables are applied to the constant to see how it responds to the change. Is the outcome different when you add a color, an emotional catalyst, chemical, situation, emotion, or life-changing choice?
The part of our brain that controls these events is not able to see bigger pictures of cause and effect. Its purpose is to repeat a pattern until the outcome expected differs. It does not matter how often the pattern repeats, it is the hope that the result will change that drives the need for repetition. This behavior can be visualized by observing a toddler interacting with a toy of shapes and patterns. This toy is a raised bench with different patterns of holes cut into the surface. The challenge is to take the three-dimensional shapes and determine where a piece fits into the same shape cut into the surface. A toddler, not understanding the cause and effect of their shape matching, could repeatedly attempt to put a square piece into a round surface cutout, hoping that the outcome will differ if enough attempts are made. This behavior is doomed to fail because without a new variable the outcome is the same. The same behavior can occur with adults who repeat similar patterns in relationships or life-changing choices. Adults may move to a new town, get a new job, have new friends, but find themselves with problems and unwanted outcomes similar to those in previous towns.
To move past these behaviors and change the outcome, clients have to identify the patterns they repeat, and why the experience of repeating the pattern is important to them. Unwinding the repeating pattern starts with identifying the constant and the variables. If a person finds themselves in an abusive relationship in four of the last five cities they have lived, but they point to their bad relationship luck, geography, or inability to find a good partner, I ask what thing is the same in all of their experiences? Often the response is a description of the bad behaviors of the partners they met. This is incorrect. The constant in these experiences is my client. If no matter where they go, who they meet, or how they act in a new relationship results is an abusive relationship, then they alone are responsible for the result.
Understanding the source of their problem requires carefully stepping through each experience in detail. With each retelling of the events, we separate the variables from the consistent choices, and when the stories are complete and the steps defined, the evidence and facts are clear. No matter where, what, or when the experience occurs, the only constant is the person at the center for whom these patterns repeat no matter what the variables.
When someone understands that they are the source of these outcomes, they can begin the work of understanding why they have a need to repeat these patterns. For addicts it can be their fear of the future, or the feeling that their life is a failure. For others it can be as simple as trying to change the course of a pattern created when they were young. For many people with these issues the cause are emotions from long past, in some cases more than half a lifetime ago. These emotions are as fresh, powerful and influential on their behavior as something they felt an hour earlier. When emotions drive behaviors like these, the pattern repeated is most often their need to try to change the emotional outcome they experienced long ago. If they succeed in changing the outcome, they succeed in changing the foundation of a part of their life that has brought them confusion, pain and difficulty. Finding the past events that create the need to repeat these negative patterns is the most important step toward resolving the issues. Moving the square shape, to the square hole, and successfully completing the task, means that they are now free to move on and leave behind this challenge and its repetitive emotional pattern.
If we are affected by our past, then what would happen if we could forget?
The application of experience is a method of predicting future outcome. If you walk onto frozen ice, and hear a crack, you apply a prediction pattern and race off the ice to preserve your safety. This learning of patterns is a background process for adults, and a priority process in small children. We use these patterns to recognize physical danger and preserve our lives, but in some circumstances the recognition of these situations becomes inaccurate and we initiate protections when there is no danger.
What happens when our ability to predict danger fails?
Incorrectly applied patterns of behavior are most often seen with people who have faced unusual experiences resulting in emotional and psychological responses outside of the norm. For an adult who was beaten as a child by his caregiver, the sound of an aggressor behind them elicits an immediate response of danger, fear and flight, — even if there is no aggressor present. These incorrect prediction patterns are stored by our unconscious mind, and pushed into action to keep us from danger. These patterns, like any dangerous experience, can be elevated to hyper-vigilance by an over-protective or over-stimulated brain. While the intention is to survive, the cost can be emotional and psychological instability.
When a person experiences frequent predicted patterns of danger, every similar situation becomes dangerous, and the presets of fear and flight put into action. These false alarms can be exhausting, wearing out the emotional state of a person without impunity. Because these patterns keep us from danger, the mind will go to extreme measures to keep them activated. Even as fact proves the danger false, our brain’s choice is to react now, determine truth later. This response keeps us alive in situations where we need vigilance. When the pattern is incorrect, though, it is a source of never-ending alarm and stress. For those who cannot escape their heightened state of danger, the toll of stress can be devastating. Maintaining a state of alarm requires energy from other sources, diminishing everyday mental and physical functions and creating new stresses in the process.
It is difficult to change the prediction pattern for a danger that does not exist. The key is to short the responsible circuit. To acquire amnesia. To do this requires techniques from a branch of therapy called Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). This form of therapy stops the circuit responsible for the behavior by breaking the chain of command. We cannot alter the electric circuit of the brain, but we can step in front of the logical path and obstruct its use. To acquire amnesia is to short the circuit, which works to stop the response, remove the power of the pattern, and put balance back into the process. This works by a challenging everything, assuming nothing, and demanding fact-based answers to assumptions. In this process a person experiencing an erroneous prediction pattern would be challenged on their belief. Here’s how that process might look.
- Client: I need to get out of here? Therapist: Why? Client: I’m in danger? Therapist: From what? Client: I’m not going to be hurt again. Therapist: Who is going to hurt you? Client: I don’t know. Therapist: What is it you don’t know? Client: I don’t know what’s going to hurt me. Therapist: If you don’t know what’s going to hurt you, then how can it hurt you? Look around here and tell me what can hurt you. Client: It’s just how I feel. Therapist: Why is that? Client: I don’t know. Therapist: So you are in fear of something you can’t see, but you think will physically harm you? How is that possible? Client: I don’t know. Therapist: Could it be that what you fear does not exist here? Client: Possibly. Therapist: Is it possible that what you fear is the past and not what is here now? Client: Possibly. Therapist: Why do you think that is?
In this exchange, the therapist stands in the way of any path responsible for the belief that the person in psychological jeopardy is in actual danger. By standing in the path, it stops the prediction pattern with indisputable knowledge. When challenged, the danger loses its power and shorts the circuit that continues the pattern. Once the pattern is powered off, it is open for dispute, and the therapeutic process continues.
The power of this healing process is that it is a tool kit easily applied outside of therapy. When a client is feeling in danger, they start a disputing dialog with themselves using a simple question: What if I had amnesia right now? This question disputes the prediction pattern by labeling it as intangible, a memory, not a fact. This allows a new path and pattern to form in place of the faulty predictions. This process takes practice and diligence, but with time the ability to break the circuits becomes easier, the detrimental patterns subside, and the mind lowers it’s sense of alarm.
The answer? I created you.
The choices you make create the world around you. No one else can make these choices but you. No one else can push you into directions you did not accept, down paths you did not choose. For clients in crisis the answer to their question is not something they want to hear. They want to think that someone else created this situation. Someone else caused them to take up drinking. Something else possessed them to corrupt their marriage, partnership, business, or relationship with their children or parents.
The answer to their question is always the same. They created this situation, on their own, and by their choice.
This answer is not something a person in therapy often wants to hear. Frequently the response to this feedback is to rebuke the entire concept of choice with emphatic statements like “why would I do that to myself?” or “do you think I want to live like this?” or “do you think I ruined my marriage on purpose?” The answer is clear. Everything they have done, every choice made, created their world as it is at that very moment, no matter how awful or difficult.
It is only when the concepts of choice and world-creation are heard and accepted that the therapeutic process can pivot from how did they get to this place, to how can they change their world through better choices. And, as the process progresses, people come to understand another critical foundation of healing, –the reasons why they make these choices. These reasons are the foundation to recognizing the triggers and motivations that cause people to create worlds they no longer want.
We constantly alter the world around us through the choices we make. We accept or reject inquires, options, people, information, direction, emotion, contact, drugs, advise, alcohol, sex, love, and affection. This is by no means a full listing of choices, but they are some of the common elements most likely to alter the world people create. Think about the day you met a long-term partner, spouse, or close friend. Now consider the choices you made that day that led to your first meeting this person. Now consider in your mind a single change to that day leading to your meeting. How would that affect your life now had that single change been made? How would it be different? Now multiply this example of a single choice by thousands, and consider the power of how the choices you make shape everything around you.
The choices you make not only create your world; they create the people around you. Your choices define the behaviors of others. Choices you make signal and define who you are, what you are about, how you work, love, worship, and define as acceptable. People accept or reject these signals and definitions, and are either attracted or repelled. This creates a redefining orbit, where we gain or lose people and definitions in a way similar to how atomic structures are formed. Change an orbiting molecule and not only do you change the structure of the atom, you change the definition of the particle. As we are joined or left by others, the structure of who we are changes, as do the people in our orbit. Who you add or take away changes the nature of your atomic structure, and those in your orbit.
When clients realize the power of their choices, and accept responsibility for the choices they made in the past, they can take back their lives through new choices. With an understanding of how they came to be in this current place, and what drives their choices, they can begin to utilize their personal power to change their world and create healthier environments and pathways to a fulfilling and happier life.
Choices create the world around you.
What kind of world did you create?